Laura
The mother of an angel
He was born on March 4, 2011 in Summerland.
San Antonio, Texas
My fianc and I have been living together for three months and I didn't even talk to my parents about my engagement when I wasn't having my period. It's not too late. Address. I'm on birth control so I don't think it's very important, I'm just overreacting. Eventually, after waiting at least a few points for a week and showing nothing, I broke down and bought a pregnancy test kit. I was given three packs of electronic tests that clearly said "pregnant" or "not pregnant" after I urinated. I did my first job in a McDonald's lounge. I was so nervous that I urinated too much (I didn't even know it was possible) and it failed. The second one I did the next day in the Arabic bathroom. It said "pregnant" but I couldn't believe it so I used the latter and the results were stable. When I was 20, I got pregnant with an unwanted child.
I told my fiance until we went to bed that night because I was so nervous. Finally, I grabbed my lipstick and wrote "We have a problem" in the bathroom mirror, pointing to where I had a positive pregnancy test. I thought he would be more angry, but he was very supportive, he hugged me when I cried, said it shouldn't happen now, and asked what we should do. It didn't take long (one or two days) before we decided to hold the baby. We want kids. Maybe it’s not a plan right now, but we wanted a baby, and the knowledge that the fetus already has a heartbeat has closed the deal for me. I am a military doctor. As well as your patient's breathing, the most important thing is their heartbeat. In my eyes, the heartbeat means life, and who am I to stop? To be sure, we went to the family planning center to have a blood test. The results are positive.
We didn't tell our parents, just a few good friends. Everything seems to be fine with the pregnancy. I feel a little nauseous in the morning and I'm more tired than usual, but overall I feel better (when my dad and I went to the clinic to help the nurse and when we thought about the light we almost didn't work) . Small method, but I didn't think about it). My first appointment, about 8 weeks later, was just talking to the nurse and giving blood for all the normal tests. All tests are back to normal, so we assume that everything is OK.
At 12 weeks I came to a very excited appointment, my fianc was by my side. I'm finally starting to accept this baby, even waiting for it; I was convinced it was a girl. We talk about names and godparents. When they told me to lie down to check my heart rate with Doppler, I was so excited that I couldn't breathe. I realized there was something wrong with just a few seconds, but the nurse didn't seem to mind. "It's the mother's heartbeat," he said of the words we only hear. Then "maybe a little less." Finally, he asked if I had ever been told that I had a crooked uterus.
After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse left and returned with a portable ultrasound machine. They tried to search my stomach, but they found nothing. They then called a doctor who tried to do an internal ultrasound. After feeling like eternity, the nurse said to my fianc, "Look. This is your baby." I almost cried with joy. That's good! It's too small, but it's okay! Then came the part I didn't want to hear: talking about the ultrasound, asking about the first day of my last period ("Are you sure?" Two days later I had an ultrasound. The technician came out of the office with a radiologist and a tissue and returned.) Come on, which she gave me because the news was seriously announced: the baby was born, but measured at 6 to 12 weeks instead and there was an inconsistency in the yolk sac.We were told there was a high risk of damage, if I had bleeding or cramps Then I should call the clinic or go to the emergency room.
Four weeks later, I'm still fine, which means I have the symptoms of a normal pregnancy. No bleeding or convulsions. I prayed for a miracle and was sure that I was heard. I, the man - we got married two days ago - could not stay with me on the appointment after 16 weeks, but he dropped me off and promised to come back as soon as possible, indicating that if something went wrong he would want me to be there for me. Was, but it waves off. If something goes wrong, I'm sure I already know - right?
Suddenly, I recovered from my 12-week test: I was reviewing test results in bed while Doppler gel was applied to my abdomen. Same question. "Are you sure you are 16 weeks old? If you are wrong, it will explain to you ..." The nurse seems to be looking for an explanation, because my baby is well, but I knew he was wrong. I know when my period is. He must be wrong. Maybe he didn't catch Doppler in the right place. Maybe he doesn't know what he's doing.
He then asked for an ultrasound, only this time it did not say "as soon as possible" "stat", a medical term meaning "something went wrong". In the ultrasound room, a boy of a big happy pregnant woman is crawling on her lap. I heard the ultrasound technician talk to her and say, "Since you're bleeding, we want you to come now, but we don't have a place right now." Can you come in the morning? "I thought yes, this is: I have to wait until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, I do not know when I will be at home. I was at the counter, I gave him my ID and he will force me to bring it immediately. I realized it was worse than I thought. My baby wasn't just small. They thought he was dead. Four weeks of sex testing and I was in a hurry, the woman was bleeding because my baby's heart wasn't beating. But at the same time, I denied it. Throughout the scan, the ultrasound technology removed the screen from me. One day he left the room to talk to the radiologist, then he came back to take more pictures, took me outside and said someone would call to let me know.
I cried all night and angrily searched for something that could explain and give a positive result. It's nothing, I can't find anything, but I'm sure it's somewhere if I look hard enough. My child's life seemed to depend on finding answers, but I never did.
The next morning the nurse called me. He needed to talk to me, and the way I could stop at the lab, he had to do some testing. I can't remember at any point in the conversation that he said there was no heartbeat, but I remember I was shocked. I remember asking myself - why me? This baby wasn't planned, I thought, but I wanted to. Why do we want it to die? I did everything right. As my husband took me to the hospital I repeatedly asked myself if we could talk to the nurse about my doctor's recommendation.
Because they said it was unknown. They call it "missed pregnancy" or "fetal death", probably due to a chromosome abnormality. The nurse suggested that it was just an invalid pregnancy, that it should be recognized soon, and apologized as if it were her fault for not being recognized. It made me angry. Of course it's worth it. We saw heart rate at 12 weeks. They said, "Here's your baby," pointing to the slightly vibrating gray mass on the screen. Our baby.
I was assigned to D&C. Physicians, now that there were several, did not want to wait for a normal abortion because they were not sure how long it would take my body to understand the damage and the longer it would take, the greater the risk of infection and other complications. They apologized and promised that the loss would not mean that something was wrong with me. Despite all my considerations, I was angry at the doctor and the hospital. Why did I book my operative appointment at the maternity clinic? Why does everyone ask me if I got pregnant in the last 90 days in the pre-survey? Of course I got pregnant in the last 90 days! I am 90 days pregnant. That's why I was there. Don't read the card?
Then, on March 4, 2011, I said goodbye to my baby forever. I was left out and when I woke up it was all over. My first pregnancy ended in a coma when a team of doctors and nurses removed my baby's remains from my body. I am deaf and confused. I still have a few days left. Less than a month has passed since this writing. I'm finding out the gender this week and I'm still counting down to August 10th, my due date. I pray for the best but deeply I know it will always hurt and I will always miss the angel who was our first child.
Laura's blogs at http://wordsofal.blogspot.com/
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